discouraged and hopeful

Two words that have come to my mind lately. The first a lot stronger.

Roughly 80% or more of my “mommy worry” is connected to food allergies. What can Maya have for dinner? Lunch? Breakfast? Will we EVER be able to eat out as a family? Why is she coughing, sneezing, breaking out in hives? How many more times do I have to watch her disappointed face look at her friends devouring princess cupcakes at a birthday party? How can I ever send her to school? What if Griffin has food allergies? How can I prevent them? Can I prevent them? What if she never outgrows it? What if the epi-pen isn't available? What if she trusts someone giving her food that puts her life in danger? What if...

Several things have occurred in the last 2 weeks that crushed my confidence of living a food allergy life and instilled in me a fear and unpleasantness that has consumed me.

1.We found a gelato place where they serve homemade sorbet here in Mesa. The very friendly, Italian owner assured us that his ingredients were the finest and not a drop of any kind of dairy was ever found in his luscious recipe. We had taken Maya there once before, where she gobbled up an entire cone with a generous scoop of strawberry sorbet on top. Afterwards, she complained of a tummy ache, which makes my heart drop to my feet (especially after watching her eat something new), but we resolved that it was just from eating so much so fast. My parents were recently in town visiting, and we thought it would be fun to go out for gelato/sorbet again. I was diligent in only ordering Maya a small cupful of lemon sorbet, which I insisted she share with me. We sat down at a table and I hurriedly scooped as much of the sorbet in my mouth, so as to not give her too much. As I watched her eat, I was scrutinizing every movement she made, every swallow, grimace, every breath.  She made some comments about her mouth. Was her tongue swelling? Was it just because it felt cold? What if some of the sorbet had been scooped by a gelato scooper? That heart rush feeling again. She said she needed water. She had eaten here before. She is fine. Then why do I have this feeling? I took her to the bathroom to wash her sticky hands and then to the car for some water, as the rest of my family enjoyed their gelato. Still complaining about her tummy ache, I came to the realization that this was just not worth it. I definitely did NOT enjoy myself going out for sorbet. I don’t think she was any more excited about it than when we give her some in the safety of our own home. It just wasn’t worth it. Who cares about going out and buying sorbet? The truth is that I did. I wanted more than anything to be able to treat my daughter, take her out and have her enjoy herself just as she sees countless other kids doing in restaurants, etc. Because it seems that we always want most what we can't have. But on that drive home I concluded that we really didn’t need to go there again. The fun outing of buying sorbet was completely masked with that looming fear and agonizing over whether or not she was having a reaction. From now on I would just make her a sorbet cone at home, done!

2. We went to Target. Finn sat in his car seat in the cart, where Maya usually sits. It was late, so Maya wanted to sit in the big part of the cart. Okay, fine. Thirty minutes finding what we needed and headed to the cashier. Maya wanted to walk now. Brett’s face twisted as he pointed to her arm and told me to look. On her forearm were hives unlike any I have ever seen, spreading together into one big, massive welt. I knew right away it was from milk. The only thing to do was to wash her skin. I took her to the bathroom only to find the same thing on the backs of her thighs. That heart rush feeling again. I received some awkward and curious looks as I scrubbed her skin with soapy water and felt sorry for Maya having such a crazy mother. She needed a bath and Benadryl. The tricky part is trying not to overreact as she is watching our every move. She follows our lead, and I don’t want her growing up paranoid, but how can I avoid that? No more sitting in the backs of those cheap plastic carts at Target. I can handle that.

      3. The Monday after the Target incident, we went to Gymnastics class. FUN! There was a spot open for the class following Maya’s class, so we opted to stay a second hour. I took her to the bathroom for a potty break in between classes and noticed the same kinds of hives on her legs that I had seen at Target, only not as many. Sigh. Really? At gymnastics? What could she have possible come in contact with? Do they ever wash the mats? Not again. So I washed her legs really well with soapy water and decided if they didn’t start minimizing, then I would take her home. They did, and we stayed. But seriously, at gymnastics?

     

      4. The same Monday after the gymnastics fiasco, Maya’s good friend Avery turned 4. We went to her party, where I knew there would be cupcakes that were not allergy free. I talked to Maya about it, and she seemed fine and content to bring along an egg full of jelly beans and marshmallows instead. Okay, good. At the party, it was time for the singing and blowing out of candles. The girls gathered around the table with big eyes as Avery’s mom brought out close to 50 beautiful purple and blue Rapunzel cupcakes. My heart sank. It just HAD to be Rapunzel, Maya’s hero. I looked at Maya and she was a good sport, singing and clapping and smiling. When it came time to actually EAT the cupcakes Maya stood still, silently watching. I mean she was watching every last bite, and I literally had to hold back the tears. She was so sweet and so loving and it just wasn’t fair. Why did she constantly have to be singled out? I pulled it together and noticed that on top of the cupcakes were rings with Rapunzel’s face on them. Perfect! I took a few off and washed them. I showed the rings to Maya, and her face lit up. She looked at me and said, “For me?” It was heart wrenching. Awesome. The cupcakes were gone, and she was happy. But how many more birthday parties will be like this one?

      These four events obviously left me feeling extremely discouraged and lost. I write about them to remember and learn from the experiences I've had. I hate the fact that Maya is always singled out. Whether at birthday parties, restaurants, in primary, at the park, at Costco with free samples, the list goes on. But it’s what we have to deal with. Honestly I think she’s fine most of the time and not even bothered by any of it. But it’s those big brown eyes that affect me as she looks at other kids enjoying what she may never be able to. Like all parents, I just want her to be happy and healthy.

      In contrast to the dispirited feeling I have had, I am forcing myself to look outward to the positive things that have happened recently in spite of food allergies. In no particular order:

      1. Awareness of the AFAA. They have such a strong community here in Phoenix and support for those living with food allergies. A lot of activities, camps and play dates all year.

      2. AFAA Easter Egg Hunt. There were hundreds of eggs filled with non-food items and toys. Maya had her face painted and met the Easter Bunny.  It was so much fun and there was no worry of disappointment from filtering through her candy and tossing out what was bad for her.

      3. Maya is outgrowing her peanut allergy. This news was huge and so encouraging.

      4. Amazing primary teachers who go out of their way to bring allergy free snacks for the whole class. It is so much better when Maya knows that she is eating what everyone else is eating, rather than being singled out eating the ‘not so fun’ snacks.

      

      5. Maya was able to run the bases after the Cubs and Dodgers spring training game. She was ecstatic. I love to see her so happy and want to hold on to that happiness forever. 

     

      6. I found amazing soy nut butter from Whole Foods. It really does taste like peanut butter. And it was cheap!

I’m trying my best to focus on the positive things and realize that there are many ups and downs. The last few weeks just happened to be a long series of downs. And if Griffin also has food allergies, then we will deal with that when the times comes. 

Here’s to a whole lot of ups!

.33, 3, 27, 28

So what if nobody came?
I'll have all the ice cream and tea,
And I'll laugh with myself,
And I'll dance with myself, 
And I'll sing 'Happy Birthday to me!'
-Shel Silverstein, Everything on It

These are all of our ages in the house as of February 2013. There was soy ice cream, much laughing, dancing, and singing. All. Month. Long. Is she really 3? Are we really in our late 20's? Hard to grasp how fast time passes by, especially with little ones. As we were dropping the kids off at a babysitter's to go out for my birthday dinner, I had a reality check when I realized I wasn't the one watching the kids for the night. I wasn't just the babysitter. I was a mom to two. TWO! And oh was it refreshing to eat at a restaurant without them...reminiscing about our past adventures, dating, and trying to NOT talk about the kiddos. I always feel like I'm missing a limb when I go places without them, but it's nice to have a chance to catch my breath.

We had a fun party for Maya at the McCormick-Stillman Railroad Park in Scottsdale and she was lucky enough to have her Wawa and Papa Izatt, Aunt Hil, Uncle Dan and cousin Teddy all here. Under one roof. One two-bedroom condo roof. Maya slept in our closet. It was chaos, but it was fun. Especially letting these cousins meet for the first time. It was evident that Maya and Teddy share the "crazy" gene.

Good night from the closet...

clarity

It is a new year, and amid the insane flu season, night feedings, preschool lessons, night feedings, going potty, reading books, cleaning, changing diapers, cleaning, wiping noses, wiping tears, playing princess, doing puzzles, playing hide and seek, playing princess, snack time, lunch time, nap time, dancing and the endless list of activities that occupy every stay at home mother's schedule, I've had a few moments of clarity and renewed perspective that I want to hold on to and remember.

It happened the first few nights after we brought Finn home from the hospital. As I lay in bed feeding him, I felt so much love and so much happiness for our family. Just the 4 of us. And I was responsible for them. They were mine. And I was so happy and excited for what we would experience, always together. Always a family. The good and the bad.

It happened as I watched my daughter's eyes light up when she saw her TV heroes come to life at what I believe, really IS the happiest place on earth. It was then that I realized my happiness is really my kids' happiness.

It happened when Griffin received a baby blessing and for a moment, we all had that heavenly perspective that comes with a new baby.

It  happened when things fell into place with Brett's job and we felt good about our future.

It happened as we saw baby brother smile for the first time.

I am grateful for these moments of clarity and perspective, because it is what gets me through the hard days.

Who knew that these two little squirts could bring so much happiness and craziness. They are my whole world.

i lied

Here I am, writing again, unhappy with my last post. (Who knows how many "last posts" will actually be published).

I'm skipping the past and focusing on the present; the positive and happy things that make our lives exciting, here and now:

1. Maya had a food challenge with soy at the allergist. I was so nervous, having recurring nightmares about that day last June when it happened and praying that the day wouldn't end in the hospital with her on a breathing machine. To make things extra special, this appointment was scheduled on my birthday. So we spent 3 hours at the allergist watching Elmo, Dora and Elmo again. All my fears were put to rest the first ten minutes when they rubbed her lips with soy milk and nothing happened. Right then, I felt calm and knew that she would give me the best birthday present ever: soy milk! It might seem silly that I am so thrilled and excited about this, but when your child is so limited and deprived with what they can eat (and let me tell you, soy is in everything) any allergy elimination is a day to be celebrated, and it just happened that we did for my birthday. There are so many new foods that are available to Maya now that we couldn't even look at before and this makes us so happy and very hopeful that her other allergies will be outgrown. We are now the proud consumers of all things soy: milk, yogurt, ice cream, oreos and more.

2. March Madness is here. My bracket is doing well (so far). Spring is in the air. The pool is warm. Spring training is happening 5 minutes away and Maya won over a Cubs player who threw her a ball and made her dad the proudest dad in the world. Nervous about the 83 degree weather in March and hoping we survive through the summer.

3. Maya is getting a roommate in October. I don't think she's very excited and already says "no" every time we ask her about it. I think she thinks the baby is my belly button because she'll point to it and say "hi baby, I'm Maya." I've also caught her talking to her own belly button baby. I actually can't believe she is 2. It's a strange feeling. She definitely keeps me on my feet all day everyday and really is the sweetest girl. Here she is at the allergist, on her new bike, enjoying her new table and blowing out her candle.

farewell again for now...

so long, farewell

A few things on my mind today...

Firstly, we've been in Arizona now for almost a month. Crazy! It has been so enjoyable to unpack all of our old furniture, pictures, and other keepsakes that have been collecting dust for far too long. While we have loved setting up our new life here, I can't help but think about and miss dearly some of the more simple things about London. I miss walking everywhere, our second family of friends we met, trees, parks, the markets, the supermarkets, and so many more things. So, I've made a decision to bring some of that simplicity here to Arizona; whether it means walking to the supermarket rather than driving (when it's less than 100 degrees outside), limiting my internet-usage, spending more time at the park, or just staying in touch with friends. Life is definitely different, but we are so happy to finally have some stability. Brett's job is going well. He is very busy but doing great and making us proud.

Secondly, this move and the new job has opened our eyes to a whole new concept: the weekend. Before, although most weekends were full of relaxing, good food, games, movies, etc.-it was always paired with a dark cloud of "what has to be done by Monday" feeling looming over us. Now, it feels amazing to have nothing "due" on Monday. We can just enjoy the weekend together as a family. I never imagined it would feel so wonderful to be done with school, when I wasn't even the one in school.

Finally, I came to the conclusion of retiring from the blogging world. I might change my mind later, we will see, I just need a break for now.

The caravan to AZ. She only slept for one hour ALL.DAY.LONG.

How she enjoyed the move-in process: eating snacks and watching The Little Mermaid in her new room-have I mentioned her obsession with "Mee Mee" (Ariel)? It has been wonderful having Maya in her own room finally.

Maya has loved being able to go swimming almost everyday-love that belly

And here are a few pictures of our new home:

(still under construction and working on filling up the empty walls)

Until next time,

brett.mal.maya.

Three Cups of Tea

One Man’s Mission to Promote Peace…One School at a Time

Greg Mortenson & David Oliver Relin

                                               Kashmiri refugees in school. Pakistan. Image courtesy Central Asia Institute.

Long story short:

I was recommended to this book by a friend we met while living in Belgium in 2009. By the fall of that year I had started it, but had a lot of other reading materials on my mind as I was newly pregnant. I kept it close and read it very inconsistently. It was a slow read, but always intriguing to me; the ideas, stories and philosophies always in the back of my mind. It is semi-embarrassing to admit that I finished it only a month ago; but very proud to admit that it semi-changed my life. As a teacher, it struck a passion deep within me to contribute in some way to this incredible mission.

This post is a tribute to an amazing true story, a worthwhile cause and a people and part of the world I long to see.

For those not familiar with this book, here is a brief description taken from the book:

“In 1993 a mountaineer named Greg Mortenson drifted into an impoverished Pakistan village in the Karakoram Mountains after a failed attempt to climb K2. Moved by the inhabitants’ kindness, he promised to return and build a school. Three Cups of Tea is the story of that promise and its extraordinary outcome. Over the next decade Mortenson built not just one but fifty-five schools—especially for girls—in the forbidding terrain that gave birth to the Taliban. His story is at once a riveting adventure and a testament to the power of the humanitarian spirit.”

Upon completing this book, I found myself researching the Central Asia Institute, current events in that part of the world and how exactly I could help. I decided to write about it, so as to persuade somebody else to read this book and become inspired to reach out and help. It is incredible to read how one person, when so obviously guided by a higher power and placed in the right places at exactly the right times, can make a difference in so many lives and create something so motivational and inspiring for others. 

Here are some of my favourite quotes from the book:

1. Mortenson quotes an author, Helena Norberg-Hodge, who wrote Ancient Futures and had spent years living among Ladakhi people in the nothernmost state of the Republic of India. I believe this quote is a very strong theme in this book and a philosophy that I agree in:

"Norberg-Hodge continues to argue not only that Western development workers should not blindly impose modern 'improvements' on ancient cultures, but that industrialized countries had lessons to learn from people like Ladakhis about building sustainable societies. 'I have seen,' she writes, 'that community and a close relationship with the land can enrich human life beyond all comparison with material wealth or technological sophistication. I have learned that another way is possible.'" (pg. 112)

2. This quote comes from Syed Abbas, a leader of northern Pakistan's Shia, and key supporter of Mortenson's mission. It was during a speech for the inauguration of a primary school in the small village of Kuardu on September 14, 2001, just days after the attack on the World Trade Center:

"'I request America to look into our hearts,' Abbas continued, his voice straining with emotion, 'and see that the great majority of us are not terrorists, but good and simple people. Our land is stricken with poverty because we are without education. But today, another candle of knowledge has been lit. In the name of Allah the Almighty, may it light our way out of the darkness we find ourselves in.'


'It was an incredible speech,' Mortenson says. 'And by the time Syed Abbas had finished he had the entire crowd in tears. I wish all of the Americans who think 'Muslim' is just another way of saying 'terrorist' could have been there that day. The true core tenants of Islam are justice, tolerance, and charity, and Syed Abbas represented the moderate core of Muslim faith eloquently.'" (pg. 257)

3. This last quote is from Congresswoman Mary Bono:

"'After I heard Greg speak, it was the least I could do,' Bono says. 'I meet so many people day in and day out who say they're trying to do good and help people. But Greg is the real thing. He's walking the walk. And I'm his biggest fan. The sacrifices that he and his family have made are staggering. He represents the best of America. I just wanted to do what I could to see that his humanity had a chance to rub off on as many people as possible.'" (pg. 291)

It is my plea for those reading this, to read this book, find out more about this mission and do your part to help. For those interested in reading more, Greg's story continues in his book Stones into Schools, focusing on his experience of expanding his mission into Afghanistan.

*Also, for all of you teachers out there, there is a wonderful international service learning program called Pennies for Peace that contains a K-12 curriculum linked to standards, loads of free printables ready to use and assessment tools (haven't used that word in a while). I kind of wish I had my own classroom to implement this. 

Life's ingredients

Living with food allergies is a challenge. You have to constantly be aware of every ingredient in anything that is in close contact to you.

Anaphylaxis is a nightmare. The fact that there is food out there that could potentially threaten your life is horrifying. It is even more horrifying to think of all the people around you who eat these very same things which are poison to you.

When we first became aware of Maya’s food allergies, we thought, “Okay, we can handle this.” It has been difficult to find things for her to eat, to alter every single meal and to pack food she can tolerate everywhere we go. For the most part, I feel like we have a handle on it. All except for that one day in June when the unthinkable happened, the nightmare became reality, and we realized how severe Maya’s milk allergy actually was, that it is her poison. I won’t go into too much detail, but leave it at this: it was in someone else’s hands. I felt helpless, but comforted at the same time. The words, “she will be fine,” were on repeat in my mind and I somehow found calmness amidst the chaos. I am happy and very relieved to now know that these come in a 2-pack.

I’ve thought about the incident a lot, but recently it has been on my mind more than usual. I think the cause is that Maya is growing up; she is becoming friendlier, she is nursery-age, she is into everything and the reality of actually living life despite her poison is more and more frightening. What happens when she goes to school and I can’t watch her at every meal? What happens when she is in public somewhere and a friend shares some snacks? How do I make everyone in her life aware of her life-threatening allergies? A question that is too overwhelming to think about.

A friend recently told me as I was explaining to her how to check for allergy warnings on nearly all ingredient lists, that if we inspected every “ingredient” in our lives, and what we expose ourselves to, as closely as one has to inspect ingredients for food allergies, how much happier and stronger we would be mentally, emotionally, spiritually. What is in your life that is acting as a poison or holding you back from something better?  What would be listed in bold to warn you of danger in the ingredients of your life?

I loved this thought and how it created a positive and relatable spin for me on Maya’s allergies. Yes I get choked up over anaphylactic shock commercials on TV, but I try to stay positive and hope that food allergy awareness is becoming more and more widespread.

For now, it is one day at a time, one meal at a time and checking my own life’s ingredients just as carefully.

Maya enjoying dairy, egg and soy-free banana pancakes to celebrate her 18 months of life

I love this website for food allergies. Always positive and motivating with good recipe ideas.

I know I need to update the blog header…my being lazy and in denial and missing London...